Today was our appointment with Dr. Munns to talk about the ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that the placenta was low-lying. This means that part of the placenta was covering my cervix and the normal location should be on the side wall. If the placenta is covering the cervix then there is no room for the baby to come out. This is something that we would have to watch and do further ultrasounds to check its status. (We never got that far.) The measurements that the ultra tech got from measuring Angel now showed that she was ten days behind normal size. My doctor didn’t seem to concerned she just changed my due date from July 15th to July 20th. Later we would find out it was because she was not growing correctly.

This morning I decided to go to the doctor just to be reassured that everything is ok. This baby was not moving as much as the boys did at six months along. I then gave Adam a kiss and told him I was going to the doctor and that I was sure everything was ok. I then took off to the doctor by myself. When I got there Dr. Munns then put the Doppler on my belly and was looking for the heartbeat. Because the baby was always low it usually took her a while to find it. Then it seemed to be talking a really long time and I got scared for a split second and then I Just knew. She then sent me down to the hospital ultrasound room and there I sat on that table alone and scared. She tried to make small talk but I was not interested and I would answer with a single word and stay quiet. She then had the Doppler on what looked to be the baby's heart for what seemed to be five minutes. All I could do was look at the screen. My eyes then began to fill with tears and all she said was "I'm sorry, but there doesn’t seem to be any sign of a heartbeat." I stood up and all I was thinking about was if I can only get to my car without falling apart I will be safe. The Tech lady asked if I was going back up to see the doctor and by her making me talk I could not hold it in any more. I yelled to her "No I'm going home." Then I regained my composure and reminded myself, just make it to the car. You can do it. I was convincing myself the whole way. When I finally got to the car I just wanted to sit alone and cry, cry as loud as I wanted and not even care what anyone else thought. I then look over to see a man right next to my car (I was parked in the end stall) waiting for me to pull out so he could take my parking stall. I then wanted out of that stall badly so he would quit looking at me. I needed deeply to cry. I got home and went straight to my room as Adam followed me. We sat up there and cried together. Not long after that our visitors and phones did not stop. Our caring family and friends wanted to lend there support. We then had to sit and wait for the hospital to call with an open room for me to be induced. What a horrible day. Waiting all day to deliver you baby that was taken from us so unexpectedly.

On Tuesday March 27th it was around 7:00 at night when the phone rang. It was Dr. Munns and she said that they were ready for me at the hospital. I began to pack and the emotions and fear started. I did not understand why I had to be induced and be put through the misery of having to go through with 17 hours of labor. I remember wondering why they just couldn't go in and take out our precious baby on their own. This what my biggest fear. We arrived at the hospital around 8 PM and got all settled in. My husband and mother escorted me to the hospital to start our journey. When we got there I was induced by them inserting a pill in my cervix and they did that about four times every four hours. All we could do was sit and wait for my body to do its work. We had a lot of support while we were up in the hospital. Lori, Bill and Auntie Eshie cared for our two boys while we were in the hospital over night and also cared for them until that Friday when we really wanted them back. It helped a lot to not have the boys home for a couple days so that we could try and grieve for our beautiful baby girl. By the time the boys came home they were well needed. Adam and I really missed them and thought they would help us try and get on with life. It was hard and it still is. I am just glad I have this web site so that I have a sense of communication with Angel Brook. While in the delivery room we were surrounded by lots of support from our friends and family. My mom (Denise), Adams parents (Jeanette & Larry), Jessica (Best Friend), and Amber (Adam's Sister). Most people would say that this is too many people but for me the company made the time go by and it was a way for everyone to grieve together. I am close with my family so this is the only way for me to go through something so traumatic as this experience. They were all great. We slept, talked and even all sat and tried to think of girl and boy names for when the baby was born. I have a piece of paper and we would all think of names for me to write down. Adams grandma Brooks came up with the name Angel Brook and I think after she was born sleeping the name Angel was the perfect name for our little Angel. I cant imagine any other name for her.
Angel was born at 1:45 P.M. and she was just under a 1/2 pound. Yet so little, she was so perfect. The moment she was born her grandma Tarormino whipped out a Pink teddy bear and a blanket that said "little Angel", keep in mind no one knew her gender. This made me really sad because I then started thinking about a daughter. We have only boys and what would it have been like to raise a little girl. We may never know until it is time for us to meet her in heaven. My dad (Steve) and his girlfriend (Lynn) came up and got a chance to see Angel before we gave her to the nurses. We took lots of pictures and this I am proud that we did. I love to look at our precious baby girl all the time. She was so beautiful. We then gave her back to the nurses and I remember I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. We had to stay for I think six hours after her birth so about 8 PM we were allowed to go home and our grieving began.

      When I got home from the hospital all I could think about was the fact that I did not kiss my daughter. I know she was bloody and had already passed away but to go on with life I had to somehow give her a kiss and show her I loved her so much. When Jim, our funeral director came over to our house to pick up the obituary that Jeanette wrote and go over some details that is when we decided to visit Angel again. I was sitting there talking with my husband, my mother in-law Jeanette, and Jim when Jeanette whispered in my ear. She said “didn’t you say you didn’t get a chance to kiss Angel”? I knew Adam had to have told her I said that. From that point instantly I started crying so hard. They were all looking at me and I could not even talk. I put my face in my hands and just cried. I remember thinking, could this be real, could I actually get a chance to see my daughter again. It was like a dream come true. I was under the impression that she was gone and our time with her was over, times up sort of thing. I knew that they had not cremated her yet but to see her again just seemed so neat and unexpected. I then was able to get the words out and I asked Jim if I could see her again because I forget to kiss our daughter, our first daughter, maybe our only daughter? Jim then looked at me and said,” who am I to tell you that you can’t see your child, of course you can, when would you like to visit her again?” Those words were like music to my ears I could not believe that we were going to see Angel again. I was so excited. I think it was a few days later when we planned to visit her. It seemed like forever before that day came. Adam had to work and he was going to meet me there. Jeanette called and asked if I wanted to go to Toys R Us and pick out cloths to dress her in and a bassinette to lay her in for a bed. I said sure and we went shopping for our little Angel Brook. She found a cute little bassinette and I picked out her gown and robe. We also got a pacifier, headband and some slippers that were way to big for her tiny little perfect feet. We were then ready to go and see Angel again. My heart was beating so fast and I was so happy to see her again. On this day, the day we were to visit Angel again it was raining. The day she was born it was also raining. Every time we do anything pertaining to our little girl the rain falls on us. This is a sign. When we arrived Adam was already there and inside talking with Jim. He turned around and was holding a bright red rose. That made my heart sink. Adam is such a good daddy and husband and to see him with that rose for his daughter made me cry. I love this man with all my heart. Jim showed us were she was and told us to take all the time we wanted and he would be in his office if we needed him. The three of us then began to walk from the back of the room to the front, where she was waiting covered in a blanket on a table. When I saw her face I lost it. It was really her and I am going to get to hold her again and kiss her. I could not believe I was really with her. It seemed like a dream. I picked her up, kiss her instantly and embraced her as I sat on the couch and just cried, cried, cried. This was like a dream come true. When I was able to stop crying I started to look her over again and see just how perfect her little body was. I could not get over the muscle in her long legs. She would have been tall just like her mommy. I noticed her clamp for her umbilical cord was still on and I said that I wanted it to save. Adam then went and got some scissors and I was able to cut it off. It was the first time I have ever cut one of my own children’s cords. It was kind of symbolic. Then I put her back on the table and started prepping her to get dressed. Grandma Jeanette started getting her cloths out of the wrappers and I started to dress Angel Brook for the first and last time. It meant so much to me to be able to dress my own child, which I thought I would not get 
hat chance.
 
We took lots of pictures and we all got to hold her and give her our kisses in which we all didn’t get a chance to do. Then Grandma Jeanette put her in her bed, her final resting place before she was cremated. While Jeanette laid her down, not even letting her go yet, we suddenly heard a loud single bolt of lightning. This seemed to be our sign that she was ready and this was her saying goodbye. It was so neat. We all looked at each other in aw. We also brought a lamb teddy that Angel’s big brother Austin wanted us to give her and a picture he drew for her. Grandma Jeanette wrote Angel a letter and I brought her a rosary and a picture of our family so she would never forget us. Daddy again brought her a special rose. This is all that we had in her bed and that is what she was cremated with. We all got our kisses and we were ready to say goodbye. It was hard. I wanted to stay forever, all day, over night. But I know I had to say good-bye and from that point on all we would have are our pictures and memories. Thank you Adam for telling your mom that I didn’t get a chance to kiss Angel. Thank you Jeanette for whispering to me so that I would ask to see her again. My wish came true and I now longer have to regret not ever kissing my daughter, my baby girl, my Angel Brook.

The day I found out Angel died my family and myself were sitting in my living room discussing things and planning that had to be done. My mom, Denise called the funeral director and made arrangements for him to take Angel after birth. Not ever having to go through something like this, it was very hard. I remember thinking, why do I have to make all the choices right away. I did not even have time to think about things rationally. One of the questions that Adams mom, Jeanette asked me was something to do with a service for Angel. I remember thinking; I don’t even know what she is going to look like. I don’t think I want everyone looking at her if she is not fully formed yet. I knew in my heart that I would love her no matter what, but I didn’t know what others would think. That was the last thing I wanted at that point is for someone to critique the way my child looked in a funeral home. This is why I thought not having a funeral for her was the decision I needed to make. Jeanette then went home and looked up on the internet about services. There she was able to find the idea of having a balloon release in memory of Angel and invite our family to share that moment with us. The day we planned on doing the release was the day we had already planned to have our youngest son’s birthday party at a hotel. It was hard but we needed to still go through with the party, he was turning two. Directly after the party we all went to Traxler park in Janesville and waited for the balloons to arrive. Jeanette and Adam’s sister Amber went and picked them all up they bought 75 balloons. I could not believe that. They pulled up with a truck load of pink balloons. It was beautiful.
If you notice in the background of this picture is the hospital Angel was born.  This is the reason this site was selected for her balloon release.  We then all gathered under the pavilion because of all the rain and Amber read to us all quotes and memorials for our little Angel Brook Taormino. Adam’s sister Gina also read a poem for Angel, which was written by her husband Jim. It was so nice and appreciated.
When the time came we all walked into the parking lot and for this short time it stopped raining just for us. They took out all the pink balloons and gave one to everyone. Adam & I had symbolic mylar balloons. Austin had a Spiderman and Ethan had a Elmo, both mylar balloons as well. We thought it would be special for us to send Angel balloons that meant something special to all of us.
 
We were all told to say a prayer or something to Angel to ourselves and then after Adam, I and the boys let our balloons go they were to slowly follow. It was so pretty to see all the balloons up in the air all at once.
We watched them fly for miles.  It was so pretty.  I know that made Angel happy because I know how much her brother Ethan loves balloons. She must have had a blast with them all. It was a very nice memorial service and I am very glad we did it. This is something we will continue to do for her every year on her birthday. I thank everyone who had a part in it and everyone who attended. I appreciated everyone there and it meant a lot to me to know so many care. Thanks to you all.

On July 11th, 2007 was Angel's first camping trip. Myself, Austin, Ethan, Grandma Jeanette, Aunt Amber, and Uncle Sam all left that Wednesday and headed up to Castle Rock camp ground. When I found out that I was pregnant all the things we could now do with the precious addition to our family ran through my mind. One of the things was going camping. I knew that we usually go camping in July, and that is when she was due. When we decided to go camping I just wanted so badly to take Angel's urn. So I did. She slept in the tent with us, sat by the fire and we even brought her urn to the beach.
The second day we were camping Auntie Amber brought me to the beach and there I discovered ANGEL wrote out with rocks on the beach. Amber did this to surprise me. I thought it was such a good idea that I later went back and took all the rocks and brought them home with us. I am hoping I can put them in Angel's garden when it is completed.
On Friday morning My husband Adam and Jared drove up. Jared was going to take Adam's car back and then Adam could drive home with us on Sunday when we all left. Adam and Jared stopped at a family friends house about five minutes from camp. He lives on a hwy road. They were stopped waiting for traffic to pass so that they could turn left. He looked in his mirror and the car that was coming up behind him was not stopping. He reaction was to step on the gas. He said he made it to about five MPH before the car smashed right into the back of him at 60 MPH. He then called his mom and that is how I got woke up that morning. I woke up to find out my husband has just been in an accident, hit at 60, on the day of out fifth year anniversary. They all walked away from it, but still have injuries from the accident. I truly think Angel was with them. It is amazing that nothing more seriously happened. That night (Our Anniversary) Adam gave me a necklace with three baby rings on it. The rings had birthstones of all three of our kids. It is so pretty.
On Saturday Grandpa Larry, Aunt Mary, and cousin Justin came up to camp. That night Jeanette, Mary, Amber, Sam, Austin, Justin and I all walked up to the hill where it is very clear and a good place to lay and look at the stars. When we got up on the hill they all surprised me with candles placed in see though cups. We all sat in a circle and lit candles in memories of Angel.
We all talked and told stories. It was such a nice time. Grandma Jeanette always finds pennies, dropped form her father in heaven. When we were sitting there she looked down and in the dark, between her legs, to her surprise she finds a penny. We could not believe it. WOW is what we thought. That was amazing.



I found a penny today

laying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny,

this little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven,

that's what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels toss them down.

Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you,

they toss a penny down;

Sometimes just to cheer you up,

to make a smile out of your frown.

So, don't pass by that penny

when you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven

that an Angel's tossed to you.



This was a wonderful camping trip that holds a lot of memories. I am so glad that I did decide to take Angel's urn and I am also grateful my husband & Jared are ok and still with us.